How not to raise responsible kids…
Tuesday, January 27th, 2009Barack Obama, with his swearing-in as 44th president of the United States, called on Americans to embrace “a new era of responsibility.” I can’t help but question the world we are living in where such a ‘call to action’ is necessary by our new president. And after the most recent headlines of corporate scandalfests such as Merrill Lynch’s John Thain’s $1.2 million dollar office rennovation or his seeking out a $10 million bonus or Lehman Brother’s Richard Fuld, Jr. blaming the short-sellers, the media, the government – everyone but himself, it is no wonder we need to be reminded of what we should already know – we need get back to basics – and be responsible.
At what point, does the former Chairman of NASDAQ (thank you, Bernie Madoff) or perhaps a State Governor (thank you, Rod Blagojevich) not know (or care) that what he is doing or what he has done is wrong? At what point, do you own up to your wrongdoings and admit fault? At what point, do you stop listening to the little voices in your head of the people that raised you to be responsible person?
I just don’t get it. I don’t know where things went awry with these recent headliners. I’m assuming that they are not ferriled orphans raised by the dogs, so they must have had someone raise them to the societal contributor that they have become. Where did things go wrong
Well, in the true spirit of my rants, I’ve decided to give my own guidance of how not to raise responsible children. If you’re interested in raising another Byrraju Ramalinga Raju, read on.
John’s List of How Not To Raise Responsible Kids:
1. Don’t start them with tasks when they’re young. Even though young kids, as early as 2 years of age have a strong desire to help out, they should not. There is no need for you to challenge them. They’re just kids. You really don’t need or want the aggravation of screwing something up.
2. Use a reward system with your kids. You really don’t want your kids to develop an intrinsic sense of responsibility, do you? No need for them to develop a “big picture” value of the things that they do. It’s not the way the world works. They need to only know “what’s in it for them” and focus only on what they’re going to “get.”
3. Don’t use natural consequences when they make mistakes. If they keep losing their baseball glove somewhere, buy them a new one – always. How else are they going to play without one? You should shelter them from any consequences of their actions. Only as a very last resort, have them ask to borrow one for the game from a friend. It’s imperative that you rescue them every time they screw up, So they’ll never learn responsibility.
4. Ignore them when they are responsible – it’s what everyone else expects of them. No need to point out what you like about their behavior when they’re being responsible. This will make it less likely to happen again.
5. Rarely talk about responsibility with your kids. Make responsibility something that is only discussed on rare occasions, and let them know it’s insignificance.
6. Do not model responsible behavior for your kids. TThe world will take care of them and make concessions for them. Modelling this type of behavior is where they’ll learn it from.
7. Don’t give them an allowance until they’re either dating or driving (whichever comes first). When children are little, show them that you will take care of all of their money decisions. No need for them to learn their lessons about money in a hurry – they have plenty of time to figure it out when they have no choice but to be responsible.
8. Have a strong, unfailing belief no one is more important than they are. They’ll pick up on this belief and they’ll tend to rise to the level of expectation.
9. Train them to be irresponsible. Use role play and talk to them about exactly what kind of behavior you expect from them. It’s hard for kids to be irresponsible at times when they don’t know what it looks like.
10. Do not take parenting advice from anyone else as no one should ever tell you how to parent. You will always know whether you’re being too controlling or too permissive as a parent. No need to talk to other parents, read books, or join parent support group. It’s just a waste of time.
Okay now, all cynicism aside… As a parent, one of your goals is to raise a child who eventually finds their way to success in life. I’ve often said that we only have 18 years to get this right. Having worked with thousands of children over the 10+ years I was teaching, I can tell you that children who learn some sense of responsibility early in their childhood tend to be more self-sufficient, less codependent, and more likely to take responsibility for their own actions in adulthood. Responsibility is a learned skill and it is your role as a parent to ensure that you are providing your child with the tools to learn this very critical skill early in life.
A child shoud be provided with the opportunity to start learning responsibility at a very young age. Parents need to learn to take advantage of the opportunities to teach responsibility as they occur. Children who are raised in a consequences free environment never have the opportunity to learn how to take responsibility for their actions. Parents who feel that they are creating a safe haven for their children by not allowing them to experience negative consequences for negative actions, are enablers. Irresponsible children raised in enabled households tend to approach all life situations with a sense of entitlement; a “the world owes me” kind of attitude. In adulthood, this attitude can lead to a real sense of discontent as other people in the child’s life do not provide that enabling role.