Okay, the other day my wife and I received the dreaded note from my son’s teacher – he’s “acting up and not listening.”  I can’t speak for my wife, but my immediate reaction was first, one of defensiveness  ”It’s got to be the teacher and the new school!”; then of dismay – “It’s all my fault!”  ”How did we mess up?”   Then I went into my “crisis mode” and tried as best as I could to rationalize and analyze the situation: “Okay, I’ll speak with the teacher tomorrow and work with her towards a solution.” “We’ll figure this out!”

Now under full disclosure, I need to reveal that before my affinity for business and technology, I was a school teacher for 10+ years. And I vividly remember having many difficult conversations with parents who went through the gamut of the same emotions I am now feeling.

I believe that all parents want what is best for their child. They want their children to do well and to be successful at whatever they’re doing (as if their own ego depends on it.) Now, no parent wants to hear from their child’s teacher that they are having problems in school. If you get that news, how you react and handle the problem can make a BIG different in its outcome.

I thought that I would share with you some of my thoughts about  making the most out of a parent/teacher conversation (conference) about your child. I can frequently remember many times parents having that “deer in the headlights” look when they discovered that their child wasn’t performing up to par.  If most of them were better prepared and had a better pulse on their child, outcomes would have been much different and it would have enabled their child to be much more successful, much sooner.

A meeting or phone conversation with your child’s teacher is one that you should take full advantage of. It is one of the few opportunities that you will gain the perspective of a trained professional who spends an enormous amount of time with your child. Your child’s teacher has the opportunity to see your child interacting with other children, and is a more objective evaluator of your child than you as a parent might be.

Oftentimes, parents expect to meet with teachers and only look at test scores or the problems at-hand.  In business, we call this “the lowest hanging fruit.” That is the easiest and most accessible of all issues. It is important, as a parent, to look at the bigger picture.  What are usually issues with behavior, test scores, and social mannerisms (or lack therof), all have underlying motivators.  For example, in my son’s case, his lack of attention (attending?) and disregard for rules and authority was a direct result of his needs not being met.  My son’s pattern of behavior is directly related to him being hungry and not being able to articulate his discomfort through traditional ways. (He’s 4-1/2 years old).  And therefore, he would “communicate” his discomfort through attention seeking behaviors.

Also, teachers are usually just as interested in your input as you are in theirs.  Keep in mind that there are many things that you child’s teacher does not know about him.  It is important that teachers become aware of changes that are occurring in their personal or family life, and how he behaves at home in comparison to how he acts in school.  Their emotional well-being is the primary motivator in their academic success.

Before meeting with the teacher:

• Start preparing early – don’t wait until the last minute to get organized. Create a little folder at the beginning of the school year in which you should keep test scores, big homework assignments, and your various notes (all the things that your child has told you or any other topices you want to address).
• Talk to your child. Do you know what’s happening in your child’s world when they’re not with you? Do you know what’s going on during lunchtime, recess (playtime), or when he goes to “specials” (gym, music, art, etc.)?  You need to find out the good, the bad, and the ugly about your child.  And when you do, probe a bit. Don’t just rely on their “objectivity”. As I’ve often coached many managers in my business career – do not take things on face value – probe – and peel away the layers to the proverbial onion. You need to find out if your child is percieving everything accurately or if she’s misunderstanding a situation.

During the conference:

• Be on time!  We’re all busy in life and usually have more things to do than we can handle.  That includes the teacher.  If she’s allotted 15 minutes for a conversation with you and you’re late, you will most likely not be able to make up that time.
• Enter the converstation with the right attitude. The goal of both the teacher and the parent should be the success of the student, but sometimes parens have a hard time discussing tough issues. Rather than put the teacher on the defensive, arrive with a compliment to start the conversation off on the right foot. (i.e. “My son is really enjoying the unit you’re doint with him on the Seasons.”) then address any concerns in a respectful manner.
• Find out the communication protocol. Don’t let this be the only time you talk to your child’s teacher. Ask how she likes to communicate, whether it’s by email, notes passed through a folder, or a phone call. Reinforce that you are there if she wants to talk to you. Let the teacher know you want to be that kind of partner.

After the conference:

• Follow up. If the teacher brings something to your attention that needs to be addressed with your child, take steps to put the plan in motion, whether it’s helping with organizational skills, getting extra help, or addressing a social issue.
• Update your child. Start with the positive things his teacher had to say, then fill her in on any concerns you and the teacher discussed. Explain how you can all work together to ensure your child is a success in his academic career…