No, Tom. I’m not saying Steve Jobs is a bad presenter.  He embodies the complete polar opposite. When Steve Jobs kicked off this year’s Macworld Conference and Expo in June 2008, he elevated the bar of great presentations all over the world (thank you, YouTube!). You see, Mr. Jobs not only presents information and introduces peddles new technology products, he inspires us to think beyond the product technology.  He wants us to imagine how much better our lives would be with his the gadget technology.

I recently attended a presentation by a CEO of a company [name withheld to protect the innocent] that was  so uninspiring, so bland, that I just had to blog about it. It defied every public speaking rule you could imagine: arms folded, soft spoken, looking down while he addressed the crowd; pacing back and forth; turning his back to the audience to look at the slides; talking directly to the slides instead of the audience – OY! the list goes on and on and on.

So, to that point (as my UK colleagues would say) here is my Soapbox of “How To Give a Bad Presentation.”

1.  No need to prepare, just wing it!  After all, Steve Jobs really wastes his time when he practices for several hours with the help of video cameras.  And when he analyzes the video tapes of the practice sessions with several of his closest underlings colleagues, he wastes their time too! You’ve winged it in the past and look how successful you’ve been.  No need to change now.
2. Start out with a weak first impression.  No need to make eye contact with the audience if it makes you feel uncomfortable – it’s all about your comfort anyway.  Ignore the rule that says it takes 30 seconds before your audience judges whether or not to pay attention. Much better to mumble upfront to cover your unpreparedness.
3. If you’re the CEO, you don’t need to care if your audience is truly engaged in what you’re saying or not – they work for you and you are paying them to listen. Once you’re in front of them they have to listen to you.
4. It’s all about your cronies at the presentation.  Present to them mostly and ensure that you only focus on them – they will get you through this.  And don’t forget the occasional inside joke or two – that only your peeps will get. Most of the audience members will like the voyeuristic nature of the presentation.  If not anything else it’ll be entertaining.
5. When possible substitute opinions for facts to prove your point.  Google is such a great tool.  Just enter your topic and presto a bunch of great facts to support your cause will come up.  Don’t worry about the integrity of the information; if it’s on the internet it must be true.
6. Step away from your outline and meander a bit with your storytelling. If you have a funny and irrelevant joke or anecdote that you just have to relay to your audience do so. Hey, no need to follow a script you basically have a captive audience that must listen to these types of witticisms.
7. Throw out your objective when you deem it necessary.  Delivering a logical, thoughtful and well-supported presentation is unnecessary. Randomness and incoherence will keep your audience at the edge of their seats wondering what’s coming up next.  That’s the way to keep their attention!
8. Don’t worry about the temperature of the room or the problems with the room’s  environment. If there is a siren going off outside, just plow through your presentation. If the microphone craps out on you, forget it and pretend it’s working. If it is very cold ignore it and don’t bring any attention to it. You don’t want to seem distracted or weak, do you?
9. Pay no attention to the time or the agenda. You have the microphone and you are large and in charge.  Again, you have a captive audience and they are there for the duration. Everyone loves a ride that they cannot exit from.
10. Have an anticlimactic finish.  No need to finish big especially if you follow the other rules, The last thing you would ever want is for them to remember what your presentation was about. It really doesn’t matter as you’ll have printouts of you presentation deck so that they can follow up later.

Truth is stranger than fiction. (Mom; circa 1976)

What bad presentations have you had to sit through.  I would love to hear of your audience horror stories…