I very recently had an encounter with someone who is what I would term, very passive- aggressive. Without giving too much information, this person called me twice in a few hours during a very busy day for leaving both times a simple message: “Please call me back when you can.” Knowing that there was a high probability that I would see her in-person that same evening I opted not to call her back. When she saw me she came right up to me and said: “Why haven’t you called me back?” I said, “[Name withheld], it’s been really busy for me today and I have not had the opportunity. Would you like to talk…” She turned her back to me and walked away.I know what you might be thinking. This is someone who might have issues beyond the passive-aggressive thing… My thoughts too! But it got me thinking about other people in my life who have passive-aggressive issues or at times become passive-aggressive and I thought it would be a good issue to discuss for today’s posting.

Passive-aggressiveness can be maddening a personality trait as much as a personality flaw disorder. Some people will have varying degrees of this insanity disorder. I’m no psychologist, nor am I trained to diagnose anything at all of this nature, but when it ‘quacks like a duck, looks like a duck and smells like a duck,’ I know it when I see it. And from my teaching days to my corporate days, I also know how to identify and work with passive-aggressors. They come in all ages, shapes and sizes. Can be male, female, child or adult. Hell, my dog Malcolm sometimes can be a little passive-aggressive when he wants something.

The passive-aggressive person is an angered/angry individual who will never let you see it. S/he may be furious, but smile at you and shower you with flattery. Then as you drop your guard, the false front will drop and WHAM! throws you for a loop. The timid imitator will attack you in some subtle way, using deceitful tactics so that you can hardly prove her/him wrong. S/he will act like a friend, but perform like a hidden foe.

Avoidance, lies, deceit, and secret sabotage are in her/his arsenal of weapons. S/he will nurse a small grudge into a major escalation without ever telling you s/he has been offended. As a result, you do not have an opportunity to defend your position, see an honest reconciliation, or make things right between you.

What is behind passive-aggression?

From what I know, passive-aggressive behavior comes from some form of hidden fear. While appearing in control, the passive-aggressor is most likely afraid.

The passive-aggressor can take many forms:

Fears commitment

• S/he might pout or sulk when pressured
• Expert at avoidance, ignoring others, a professional at the silent treatment
• Might withdraw from a relationship when it exceeds a comfort level

Fears competition

• Might cheat if the opportunity arises
• Must enable themselves to be a winner at all costs

Fears deadlines

• Professional procrastinator
• Enjoys the anxiety of those around her/him
• Lingers over responsibility
• Waiting gives them a feeling of power

Fears direct communication and confrontation

• Withholds information
• Keeps secrets
• Promotes half-truths
• Good at excuses
• Can’t provide straight answer
• Dances around the truth
• Embraces ambiguity

Fears progress if it blocks her/his own way:

• Agrees to complete a task and then deliberately fails to accomplish it or does a piss-poor job of it
• He might sabotage the progress as s/he might feel threatened by the advancement of others

Fears being controlled by others

• In defensive mode in full throttle, s/he might think they’re being wrongly criticized
• Likes to play martyr
• Likes to play the victim

Fears intimacy

• Distrusts others
• Persecution complex – a bit paranoid

Fears obligations

• Likes to keep people waiting
• Last one to events
• “Forgets” appointments as a revenge mechanism

In order to deal with someone like that you need to make a decision whether or not the relationship is worth dealing with. Here are some tried and true steps to improving the relationship:

• Don’t get angry – anger empowers them. You can’t prove that s/he’s done anything against you as it is their plan all along. Don’ fall into their trap
• Be direct – this will throw them off-balance as they have a hard time being open, honest and straightforward (even with themselves). Be kind, not spiteful, be bold, be strong. Definitely take the high road when you can.
• Offer facts and details whenever you can – their modus operandi is all about deception (the proverbial sheep in wolf’s clothing). Keep notes of the specifics so that you can refer to them if need be.

Dealing with a passive-aggressive person can be damaging to you and can border on emotional abuse. Be careful that this person does not try to sabotage your successes or derail you from doing the things that you want to do. Learn to recognize the behavior of a passive aggressive person and exercise some tough love when need be.

Try to separate your own sense of identity and self worth from the passive-aggressor. Their misconceptions and false perceptions of reality (especially of you) are incorrect. You are capable and better s/he would have you believe…